Sometimes you just need to vent. Lay it all out there in black and white to make yourself feel better. Blogs are good that way. They serve a selfish, practical need, and can also, sometimes, have greater purpose.
(This one might be more venting than purpose….but there is purpose nonetheless :)
Distraction...
On one side, it's a blessing - the only way I can hope to continue a "normal" life, after having cancer.
But, it's also my undoing.
The daily pain that comes from the treatment, distracts me from my purpose.
It can distract me from EVERYTHING.
I've never experienced the level of selfishness I experience now, when I am consumed by my physical state.
Some days it's pain. Some days it's just the fear of pain.
I have edema in all my extremities,
burning mouth,
constant swelling and tingling in my face and neck where I was irradiated,
nerve pain that surfaces as burning, tingling, cold and numbness, pretty much anywhere and everywhere, and causes my legs to buckle underneath me.
I have aching pain in my back, arms and legs,
I have trouble taking deep breaths, many days, which will often send me into a full-blown panic attack (where the fear of not being able to breath becomes my reality).
I have severe and sometimes debilitating eczema that can make my hands useless.
I have digestive issues I can't even begin to describe,
trouble swallowing,
and throbbing pain in my chest from scar tissue.
When I exercise, which I need to do, the pain increases. Otherwise, there's no discernible reason for any of it. Nothing to avoid or adjust...just pain.
It's a little like "Invasion of the Body Snatchers", because I'm not sure who I am anymore. Before, when I would push my body physically, it would respond and dig deeper....now, it gives out. Every signal my body sends feels different. How my allergies manifest, how my stomach tells me I'm hungry... even the signal to poop is different!
The pain robs me of so many happy moments. It can so easily steal my joy.
There seems to be an ebb and flow when I will feel a little better, and when it starts to go downhill again, and it's in these valleys that I check out completely.
And then I get so frustrated with myself for being unable to combat the distraction, the guilt takes over.
Either way, I'm lost to the world.
Lost inside myself.
Useless.
3 years later, I should be better, it should be getting easier...but it’s not.
I start sinking into another valley, wondering if I ever will be better.
Maybe I’ll just continue to deteriorate….
I don't share any of this for pity - really! - but, I know as I've read other's experiences, it’s been so reassuring to find out I’m not alone.
And not crazy! Sometimes the panic sets in just because there’s a new symptom popping up today. Community is how we survive. All of us, cancer patient, or not. We need each other, and we need to do a better job of letting others into our world. And I need my family to know what I can't bring myself to say out loud. Even if it's just years from now when Jack reads this...
I don't know how I'd get through this if I didn't have Jesus. If I didn't know the future.
If I couldn't be sure my suffering isn’t for nothing….
…We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope… Romans 5:3-4
Even if you don’t……
God may choose not to heal me, even though He could.
But I will not waiver in my trust and obedience to Him.
Because He’s been faithful, and He’s been good. And....
It is well with my soul.....
Komentáře