October 25, 2015
I know God doesn't desire for me to feel alone. I know we are built and meant for community. It's inherently a part of our makeup to want to be with others, to be included, to feel accepted. There's nothing wrong with that. But lately, I've been struggling with the feeling that I'm just on a island all by myself.
I've been taking my concerns to God. Praying daily for guidance and assurance and direction. And while I do see Him leading...more often than not, I still FEEL alone. So many changes these last few years, I think, but especially life after Cancer. But then there's that word again - FEEL.
One of the greatest lessons I learned 3 years ago, when I first learned my husband had an affair, was that feelings shouldn't be the indicators of our actions. Yes, I was and still am, entitled to feel angry, hurt, confused....etc. But those feelings individually aren't gifts from God. They are products of my fallen, sinful being that wants my own way. And they don't necessarily lead to happiness. In fact, in this case, they could never have led to reconciliation, or the rebuilding of my family. Nope. Only God could do that.
But, here I sit. 3 years later, feeling alone. Still struggling with the life that is a product of that mistake. Forgiving again every day. And tomorrow, I will meet my husband's son. My emotions are running wild. And yet, there's a boy who needs his Dad. A boy who should know his brother, and a Dad who desires to love his son - so much more at stake than my itty bitty feelings about it. And yet, I still want someone to understand what I'm going through. I want someone to care about how hard it is for me to type the words on this page, let alone force my body to move in that direction tomorrow.
What would I do without eternal perspective?
I find comfort in knowing God calls us all to a better path. One that may well be filled with pain and heartache, but one that leads to an eternity of perfection with Him. And what gets me through this time, and every one before it, is the knowledge that this life is short. This pain is temporary. I have only better things to look forward to. And sometimes, most times, He is using my pain for something better. Truly, what an honor.
And in the mean time, I have work to do here. Work I hope is His. And I can't do that sitting here feeling sorry for myself. So, I will get up. And I will move forward. And I will not look back. Even when I feel alone.
(Ah, because I'm never really alone ;)
And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God; I myself will see him with my own eyes - I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me!" - Job 19:26-27
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