Unlovable

I couldn't decide if I should add this blog post or not.... ultimately, though, I know somewhere there's another Mom who feels the same way. And there's such comfort in knowing you're not alone.

I've been aware for quite some time, that deep down I believe I'm completely unlovable.

I know, I know. Nothing irritates me more than someone saying something self-deprecating just to fish for a compliment, but, I promise, that's not what I'm doing! My love language is Quality Time. (If you haven't read any of the Love Language books - you should! They're all good!thefivelovelanguages.com) So, if someone would say, "Oh, Libby, of course you're lovable! Don't be silly!" It has very little meaning for me anyway...but that's not the point. I'm not looking for validation, or to cheer myself up. I think I've always disliked a lot about myself. I can remember being a kid, and wishing I could erase some of my character traits. Looking around at my friends and wondering why I had to be this way...

Then, I realized tonight, that this deep-seeded flaw in me hurts the people I love the most - I had a colossal Mom fail, and it was based on my selfish need to somehow protect myself, because Jack couldn't really love me, if he knew me.... Yeah. You're probably thinking, "this girl needs a shrink." 

Good thing Jesus is the "Wonderful Counselor!"  

I believe this about everyone in my life, not just Jack. I have always believed their feelings for me could never be as deep as my feelings are for them. I think it's a strange battle between pride (I love more deeply than anyone else on the planet!) and my deepest insecurities (No one could ever love me.) 

But here's the kicker: It doesn't matter.

My flaw stems from my broken, sinful nature. The same nature to which we are all born. So, this happens to be my deep dark, but we've all got something...what I need to remember, when I'm having those low moments, is that I am made new in Christ. 

I am redeemed by Jesus, daily.

I am whole, because Christ died for me.

The only person I need to believe loves me, is Jesus Christ. I am a child of the one true God, and that's all that matters. I can't look for identity, or satisfaction, or peace about myself in anyone on this planet. I will only find what I'm looking for in Him. It's this truth, and nothing else, that pulls me back from the edge when I feel myself sliding down...letting my thoughts go to the place where no one could ever love me. He pulls me out. It's only been since I found Jesus, that I began to understand God created me this way for a reason, and I can embrace the parts of me I don't like. 

So, I share this personal struggle, not to garner sympathy, or because I'm desperately hoping someone will argue with me, but because bringing it to light is what God wants us to do with our struggles. Together we are stronger. And when I say it out loud (or write it for the world to see), there is freedom from my baggage. I am free, because God loves me. Not because of anything I did, or ever will do, but simply because I am His child, and He is perfect. What a relief!

Thank you for loving me, Jesus, even when I didn't deserve it.