Not that you should feel sorry for me.
I came to the realization the other day, that having cancer stole any hope I had of making future plans.
It sounds romantic, and even fun, to "live each day as if it were your last", but the reality of facing your mortality, and walking away with daily thoughts of death, is anything but fun. It's excrutiating. And exhausting. And this is how I've felt for several months. Exhausted by this world. Tired of being afraid. Tired of the endless worry. Tired of people who are thoughtless, or hurtful or selfish, or all the other things every single one of us is to each other, everyday.
But, when I was talking to God the other day, pleading with Him (again) to help me understand, I had a vision. Nothing prophetic, just a daydream...about doing something I'd really like to do, years from now....with Jack. Something that will take time to build, and grow, something that I could see myself loving, and even something in which I could see my hopes for Jackson's future too. It was lovely. And it made me cry.
I haven't been able to see past my nose since I got the phone call last year telling me I had cancer. You can't when you're in treatment, obviously, and I wouldn't let myself for the last year of remission. It feels wrong.
I might be setting myself up for disappointment.
I might make things harder to deal with when the cancer comes back.
I might make a mistake and do something that leaves my family in financial ruin when I'm gone.
It feels a little like being a prisoner in your own body. A body that betrayed you. And it has been sucking the joy out of every day. I've tried to focus on feeling good now. Appreciating what I have. How very blessed I am. How God has delivered me. How He continues to amaze me...but, I haven't been able to FEEL any of that. I know it, but it's like it's just out of my reach.
What if I dared to dream again?
And what if I don't?
Imagine, I get another 20 years, but I spend them all worrying, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. What a waste that would be.
And I refuse.
Much as I refused to be the cancer patient who wasted away to nothing, I refuse to waste whatever time I have left being scared.
God does not want me to live in fear - and truly, what IS there to fear with the God of angel armies at my side?!
So, I will take this dream I have now...and run with it. However far I get, the journey will be much brighter embracing my dream, and living like I have many tomorrows.
For all it took from me, cancer cannot have my dreams.
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