April 4, 2016
As I approach April 11th, and what will be 2 years since I discovered "the lump", and also prepare for yet another oncology appointment tomorrow, I find myself contemplating this website, my blog, and really why I share. Even after the difficult and unhappy first years of marriage, infertility, and the discovery of infidelity just as I lost a job, I can honestly say these past 2 years since Cancer have been the darkest of my life. I started this website as a legacy to my son, Jackson, so, he would have some record of this time in my life, when he was perhaps too small to understand a lot.
But, as I continue to feel daily that I've failed as a mother, I thought it important to explain, I guess. I need to apologize. Someday, maybe Jack will be able to forgive me...I want him to understand that I lost the battle most days. I just haven't been able to see past my own fear and anxiety. Cancer has had a terrible grip on me. Convinced daily of its return, I find myself consumed by my imagination. Living inside myself, in a world built of fear and pain and hopelessness, I have seldom emerged as a person who even slightly resembles me.
Who am I?
I am pain.
I am turmoil.
I am guilt.
I am terror.
I find my faith and relationship with Christ most comforting. Some days though, it's so comforting, I want to go home. I want to rest. This "new normal" I keep hearing so much about, I know it includes these constant changes in my body. The new and terrifying pain today, only to be joined by something else tomorrow... and I'm tired. I'm tired of being scared. Exhausted, really.
I want to be strong. I want to show you, Jackson, how perseverance through Jesus Christ brings the "peace that surpasses all understanding." Philippians 4:7, because it does. So many times I have received this precious gift from above... in the worst of situations: when I realized my husband was telling me he'd had an affair, when I sat in an oncology office for the first time, and a hundred times before and since... I've just been lost lately. I haven't been able to keep myself afloat. It's too easy to stay inside my mind, and then lash out, instead of turning to God. And for that, my dear sweet boy, I am so sorry.
But, God has been prodding me...and I'm trying to listen. He's assured me there is no fear in tomorrow, and reminded me of all the times He's already delivered me. That's what I need to focus on. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - Philippians 4:13. Not on my own. But only through Jesus. And He is coming back quickly, my love. The time we have is short, and precious, and I'm going to do better cherishing it with you (& Daddy). And I'm going to do better in the work He has for me, because that's why we're here.
I love you!
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